My mother, Barbara Jean Watson, passed away May 24, 2000. The last images I have of her are not how I want to remember her. She was laying in a hospital in intensive care; we were waiting to see how long she would hold out before passing away. It is not just, because that image of her in the hospital is not a pleasant one; it is because for most of my life I remember my mother as a strong, compassionate, and focused individual.
If you have read my bio, then you know she has a strong influence of my life as photographer. She being a former model/actress herself has always encouraged me to follow her footsteps; but in my own way. I played piano from time I was five until I was sixteen; I was on the debate team from junior high through high school, and I dabbled with poetry and impromptu acting all my life. As a child, I sometimes I would get frustrated or bogged down in small details. I would hear in my head, “you should have done better.” Interesting enough those were the times I would discourage myself and begin to hear me say, “I can’t.” Well, if my mother ever heard me say those words, “I can’t,” she would tell me “can’t is not a word.” I have reminded myself of this many times over through the course of my life. In one particular time, I remember telling myself, “I can’t be a professional photographer, I am not that good.” See up to that point I had just shot things I loved, shot whatever I saw that caught my eye and yes even shot in automatic mode. Then I heard my mother tell me, “Can’t is not a word.” So rather, focus on why I could not be a photographer I decided to focus on all the reasons I would make a great photographer. It is part of the reason I always attempt to reinvent myself and keep fresh ideas running through my brain. See if I don’t owe it to my clients or the subject I shoot, I owe it to myself, and if I don’t owe it to myself then I owe it to my mother.
Another vivid memory I have related to my mother’s death are a series of events that occurred after her passing. We have tons of photos of various moments & family members. My father spent months after my mother’s death organizing certain photos of her; cataloging moments of her life from her childhood until her passing. This album now rests in the family’s airtight safe. My mother was 64 when she passed, and many of the photos of her were taken on black and white film. There were no CD-Rs or digital cameras in her time. Yes the photos could have been scanned and stored digitally, my father choose to remember her as she was with the photos in their original condition. I learned a few things from watching my father work patiently on that album. The first is we all have our ways to grieve. The second, treasure photos of your life, no matter how insignificant they may seem now. And the third is, we have a choice of how to remember those not with us today. See I sometimes think, as did I, that we don’t have a choice. Nevertheless, my father made a choice. He chooses to remember her as the model, wife, and mother he had loved since they were both kids. His choice helped me choose image of my mother to remember. See there was a photo that my mom and dad took together when I was in college. I never really paid attention to the picture back then. Now it is one of the pictures I choose to use when I think of my mother.
I thank my mother for teaching me about passion, fighting for what you believe, honor and dedication. Most important, I thank her for teaching me that as a person, as a photographer….I can.
